If you’ve been a reader of mine and have followed this blog from the start, then you know my life has changed. Becoming a mother was never on my bucket list. I never really had an idea of what or where I was going to be when I grew up. When I got pregnant the first time I was 26. I wasn’t ready for those 2 lines to show up on that stick but there they were. Punched me right in the face. I didn’t want to be pregnant. I was scared out of my mind. I was pissed. I got over it. I got excited, I was going to be a mom. I was going to feel a love that only moms know and I was going to bring a life into this world.
Then I had a miscarriage. It was painful and heartbreaking and to this day I am affected by it. I don’t talk much about it because it’s a sad thing and who the hell wants to be a Debbie downer at get togethers talking about miscarriages. Not I.
I blamed myself. I never mourned that loss like I should have. I felt like a loser.
When I got pregnant with Jackson I was 27. I wanted to see the lines. I wanted my boobs to hurt. I wanted to feel sick and not get my p. and I got all of that and more. I got fear. fear of losing another baby. I had a pretty good pregancy considering all of the things that could go wrong but I was too scared to enjoy it. Every doctor visit was a day of anxiety. Would we hear a heartbeat? Was it strong enough? Was he growing right?
Up until the day I gave birth my mind would race with worry. If I didn’t feel him kick for a couple of hours I would cry. Then he would tap dance in my belly and all was well again. Like he was saying, I’m ok mom…don’t cry. I thought my fears would go away as soon as he was born and I got to hold him and know that he was ok.
Wrong. Because now I was a mom. Now I felt the love so indescribable it made my heart hurt. All my fears just multiplied by a million. My days and nights were filled with making sure my baby was breathing. Going over my infant CPR notes, becoming obsessed with s.i.d.s , bpa, germs, talc…. the list went on.
Jackon just turned 17 months old. Some of those fears have gone away but they have just been replaced with new ones. I pray for my son everyday. I pray for his health and his happiness.
Sometimes all you want is happiness. Happy people don’t become serial killers.
Yup, that’s on my list of fears too.
Life is about change whether we’re ready for it or not. It’s scary not knowing what’s next but what choice do we have? We have to go through it and fight our fears to be the person we were ment to be.
I’ve got a lot of fighting to do.